THE FEAST OF ST. SWITHIN OF WINCHESTER
by James Branch Cabell & Mordecai Shapiro
The temple should be decorated to look like a cave (or at
least be dark and relatively featureless). In the east is a large altar
upon which are a paten and a cup. In the center of the temple is a
small altar bearing a cake (large enough to provide a slice for each
communicant), a knife, and a large bottle of red wine which has
been decorated to look like a white bird whose head comes off (it
symbolizes a living white hen).
Seated on elevated thrones to one side of the large altar are
the children: Helmas, a red-nosed man, robed in scarlet with white
fur, his crown containing a silver feather, holds a quince (or failing
that, a yellow pear); at his side Pressina, with her faintly blue skin
and undeniably green hair, bears an unbroken raw egg. The priest,
Florian, sits on an unelevated throne on the opposite side of the
large altar from the children; he is clothed in dark green and silver,
and wears a fancy three-cornered hat with a flower on it. Next to
the small altar stands the deacon, Hoprig, in robes of white, with
purple accenting, crowned by a wreath of mistletoe and a halo.
Once the guests are all seated, Hoprig purifies and consecrates
the temple, then he stands in front of the large altar, facing west.
Hoprig: We are met in the temple of the Peohtes in the kingdom of Brunbelois to
celebrate one last marriage according to the rites of Llaw Gyffes of the Steady
Hand. Despite the fact that my recently discovered canonization has forced me
to resign my former office as high-priest of Llaw Gyffes, I, holy St. Hoprig, shall
officiate here today because my successor as high-priest has not yet been
appointed. Therefore, (bows briefly toward children) by the grace of King
Helmas and Queen Pressina of Brunbelois, I call upon Lord Florian, fourth Duke of
Puysange, to arise and stand here before me.
Florian leaves his throne gracefully and poses nonchalantly
in front of Hoprig, projecting an air of superiority.
Florian: I am Florian de Puysange.
Hoprig: And are you acquainted with those ancient usages by which we in
Brunbelois insure the preservation of domestic tranquility?
Florian: I fear, most holy sir, that I am not so acquainted. But I assure you that
this is not from any lack of enthusiasm on my part, but rather is the unfortunate
result of my having only just arrived here yesterday, that is, upon the feast day
of that most holy Saint Swithin of Winchester.
Hoprig: Well then, in belated recognition of one of my so estimable colleagues
you shall not be immediately disemboweled, as would be our usual practice
with a bridegroom who is unacquainted with our usages. Instead you will be
instructed, as if you were a mere boy, by listening here to the words of our
princely sage, the honorable Lord Janicot Buckley of Poictesme, as he
discourses upon the customs of our ancestors.
Lord Buckley's rap "The Chastity Belt" is played, and
Helmas exits the temple; immediately after the rap ends the
priestess, Melior, is ushered into the temple by Helmas. She wears
upon her head a wreath of thistles, and about her middle a
remarkable garment of burnished steel fastened with a small
padlock; in her hand she carries a distaff, flax and a spindle. She is
escorted to the side of Florian by Helmas, who then resumes his
seat.
Hoprig: And are you, Melior, Royal Princess of Brunbelois, acquainted with those
ancient usages by which we in Brunbelois insure the preservation of connubial
bliss?
Melior: You know perfectly well that I am so acquainted Hoprig, since you
yourself have often instructed me in those arts, even as recently as just last
night, and rather a bit late if I do say so!
Hoprig: Be that as it may, we can now proceed, according to the ancient and
primitive rites of Llaw Gyffes, to perform this marriage ceremony.
Helmas and Pressina rise and come down from their
thrones. Helmas gives his quince to Florian, Pressina gives her
egg to Melior, then they resume their thrones. Florian offers the
quince to Melior, who takes it and eats it, spitting out the seeds into
the cup, which Hoprig proffers. Then she gives the egg to Florian,
who cracks and empties it into the proffered cup, and then puts the
empty shell into his hat. Hoprig replaces the cup on the large altar,
then walks over to Florian and whispers in his ear. Florian looks
momentarily astonished, but he soon tries to reassert his
appearance of complacency, speaking to Hoprig out loud, if not
with confidence.
Florian: Well, let us say, ___ times. (fill in the blank with the number of
people who will take communion, that is, everyone except Hoprig)
Hoprig uses the knife to cut the cake into the same number
of pieces, and then places the pieces in the paten on the large
altar. He then returns with the knife to the small altar, and taking up
the bottle of wine, opens it, while making as if he is cutting off the
head of a "white hen". He returns to Florian and Melior, standing at
the large altar, and pours a little wine upon each of their feet. There
is fanfare of trumpets and Helmas comes forward, with a great
flourish, to present Florian with the key to a small padlock. Helmas
remains standing next to Florian. Hoprig holds up a piece of the
cake.
Hoprig: You know full well what this represents.
Hoprig hands Florian the piece of cake, which is accepted,
and then eaten, only after a good bit of hesitation and coaxing.
Hoprig fills up the still egg- and seed-laden cup with wine and
hands it to Florian.
Hoprig: According to the immemorial custom of the rites of Llaw Gyffes and the
kingdom of Brunbelois it is both the privilege and the obligation of the
bridegroom to specify the particular wedding toast which he desires all
assembled to offer on this momentous occasion.
Florian studies the cup in his hand queasily for a moment
then, summoning his inner resources, declares himself resolutely.
Florian: Thou shalt not offend against the notions of thy neighbor!
While the guests, led by the deacon and children, join in an
exuberant cry of "Hear, hear!", Florian drains the cup, gagging
only slightly, then returns it to Hoprig, who refills it and hands it to
Melior along with a piece of cake. She eats it, then declares "Thou
shalt not offend against the notions of thy neighbor!" and drains the
cup while everyone cries "Hear, hear!". Then, together, Florian
and Melior take their seats, while Pressina leaves her throne and
the same tasting and toasting is repeated next by her and Helmas,
who then also resume their thrones together. The taste and toast is
then repeated by each guest, either individually or, if lovers,
together. When at last everyone but Hoprig has communicated and
resumed their seats, Helmas gets off his throne and goes over to
Florian, who rises to greet him. Helmas pantomimes that Florian
should accompany him and then leads his new son-in-law out of the
temple. Then the deacon looks out over the entire congregation.
Hoprig: Now of course we all hope that our blissful newlyweds will always enjoy
the same ecstatic happiness which they feel at this moment, but still, one must
also be logical.
Hoprig takes out the key to a small padlock and hands it to
Melior.
- finis -
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